I bolted out of bed. Hitting my husband's feet as I ran around his side of the bed, and saying hurriedly "I heard the door squeak." I rushed into the kitchen, my eyes trained on locating anything, or anyone, dangerous. There was no one there. The door was locked and all was well.
It took quite a while for my heart to return to its normal rhythm. It turns out I had just heard our landlords squeaky gate as they headed out in the morning. No potential harm in that. Fast forward a few weeks and now it's 4:00 am in the morning. This time I am certain that someone was just about to enter our bedroom when I woke up. Once again, all was well and after my heart stopped racing and I was truly convinced that it was only the snow and rain outside making noise, I fell asleep. I haven't had a real fear of break-ins until recently. Maybe I've heard too many stories, or watched too many movies involving a heist and it's made my imagination able to conjure up things that are more than realistic. Recently I've become quite good at imagining threats. Potential car accidents, mishaps with a sharp knife in the kitchen, and sometimes even a runaway stroller makes it into the list. A life insurance salesman would be outmatched by my ability to calculate risk. Maybe this is something that comes along with motherhood. After all, I have added responsibility now. I need to be prepared. I have to be the momma bird, ready to sacrifice myself for the chicks in the nest. While I firmly believe that a fair portion of being a mother involves sacrifice, it doesn't mean being paranoid. When I heard the noises that made me think someone was breaking into our house, it was because I was looking for them. I was looking for anything to back up a sound that seemed unfamiliar. So to be on the safe side, I prepared myself for the worst thing I could imagine it to be. Since I was looking for a reason for there to be a squeak, there was. Since I was looking for a reason for shadow in our door frame, there was. Squeaks and shadows and sounds are something that should be noticed, especially in a dark alleyway, alone, and at night. But this isn't when I find myself troubled. I find myself troubled while sleeping peacefully. While cutting vegetables. While walking on the street. While getting a wrong kind of look from another person at the bank. Suddenly my heart rate increases and I'm ready for action. But the action never comes. But if I'm prepared, if I can control something, even if it's just my own actions, I can do something about it. Ah. There it is. Control, the longstanding companion of fear. Control, that idol, who stands idly by while we exhaust ourselves trying to find it in every other place but where it stands. Control, that thing that whispers in our ear "If you catch me, you'll have nothing to fear." It's true isn't it? But there is more than one way to conquer fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 says "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline." (NIV) The truth is I will never gain complete control over my life. Trying to gain control over absolutely everything in my life is like trying to juggle hatchets. Flaming hatchets. Flaming hatchets that defy gravity. And unless you're in the circus that's a rather futile thing to attempt. That's what control is too; futile. So where should I bend my thought? On simply not being afraid? Is that good enough? I think the answer is spelled out in Timothy for us. The Holy Spirit has given us a spirit of love, power and self-discipline. We have power, because we have trust in Jesus name. We have love, that over-flows from God to be shared among our family, friends and other people in this world. Lastly, we have self-discipline through thoughts of hope. Hope when we feel all hope is lost. It's the hope (and for some, belief) that there is something more after we die. For us Christians, it's the hope of heaven. In the meantime, between now and heaven, I will focus on love and Christ. Continuously hoping, continuously living. Fearless.
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Jordan is...A mother, artist, designer and loyal friend. May this blog bring you hope and a normalization of both emotion and logic. Archives
March 2021
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